It doesn’t mean a thing, to me.
The word holds no emotion. It evokes no feeling.
It’s just a word, after all.
The thing is, sometimes people think they have to tip toe around the word “miscarriage”, as if the mere mention of it would send me into a fit of rage or depression.
I am completely unattached to that word.
No, it isn’t miscarriage that breaks my heart, that causes my eyes to well up with tears, that requires me to intentionally and forcefully repress the desire to cry in public…
It’s the story.
The story of two people, who came together with a united dream of adding to their family. The parents who talked about the baby before the baby even existed. Who envisioned who their little one would be before God even set to work knitting him/her together in the womb. The people who could visualize, without knowing gender or physical features, what their future could look like with this new addition. Who had so much love to give before there was even a child to receive it.
It’s the story.
The story of a sibling, a “big sister” who has no one to be a big sister to. A child left to confront an empty womb and an empty nursery. Who had games planned, and story books lined up. Who spoke about her duties as the “older” sibling before she even knew what it meant to have a sibling. A tender hearted little girl who kissed her mama’s belly every time she was near it, who whispered “I love you little baby” to a not quite yet baby bump. Who said hello and goodbye the same exact way…to an unresponsive tummy.
It’s the story.
The story of a baby who would never open his/her eyes to the light of day. The baby, who was loved before he/she was. The baby who’s only “memory” would be of the distant thump of his/her mama’s heart. Who would know nothing of earth before he/she went to heaven. No pictures left behind, no finger prints on a paper, not even a name to remember him/her by…
No, miscarriage has no meaning to me. It’s everything that miscarriage left behind.
It’s Raegan remembering, out loud, how she sang “twinkle twinkle little star” to my belly just hours before we found out the baby was no longer alive.
It’s watching Raegan play with her friends, who all have sisters and brothers, and knowing she’s the only one who has to leave the party alone.
It’s watching her grow up and knowing that she was my first for everything and may well be my last.
It’s hearing her call her puppy her sister, and wanting to laugh and cry at the same time.
It’s packing away yet another few gender neutral outfits that will be stored brand new, tags attached.
It’s hearing my daughter pray to God, “Thank you that you almost gave us a baby.”
It’s going on with life, joyful and at peace, grateful and appreciative…counting your blessings…yet still feeling like there’s something missing.
It’s been two months since we found out we lost our last little one.
We should have been halfway through the pregnancy, now, halfway to holding him or her.
Last week, I received the results of my blood work, results that could have held the key to why I was having trouble carrying my babies to term and how we could fix it for our next attempt…if there is one…
But the blood work was all clear. All clear. No problems in sight.
No explanation as to why any of it had happened.
And what could have been the source for much frustration and confusion, became the catalyst for overwhelming calm and acceptance.
My spirit was still. My soul at peace.
Why is that? How can that be?
1. I feel completely content to leave my fate in the hands of my God; a God who’s plans can be hindered by nothing!
Job 42:1-2 “Then Job replied to the Lord, I know that you can do all things, no purpose of you can be thwarted.”
2. I am the daughter of the master healer. And while my body may fail me, I am healed. I am free. I don’t have to worry and stress over the why’s any longer, because my faith leads me back to the King of the impossible!
Mark 5:34 “He said to her, Daughter your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
3. God has promised to heal every hurt and turn every point of pain into something good and purposeful for those who love him. And I do.
Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
4. God promises that the future he has for us is amazing, if only we will trust him with our lives!
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
5. Finally, because I have confident faith in the Lord. What he wants, I want. His plans become my plans. My life, his.
Romans 4:2o-21 “Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”
I know God’s will shall be carried out, no matter what anyone or anything on earth has to say about it. I know God wants my heart to be healed, free of the suffering that goes with anxiety and worry. I know God can turn anything into something amazing. I know he has a plan for my future, a good plan. And my faith is strengthened in my wait to see all that he has in store for my family.